The Sound of Silence

Just another day. Yet, this day I woke up and my world was destined to be shaken up by a force beyond my control – or actually totally within my control. It was snowy and beautiful outside. I spent the morning breathing in the cold air in a hot tub pondering nature and the sheer difference a day can make. Winter in Montana can be so eccentric, a tease from one day to the next. The day before it felt like spring: 55 degrees, bright blue skies, watery streets, and birds chirping as if they had no recollection of southward migration – just happy to be right where they were in time. So, on the following day, when the snow fall left the softest layer of 5-inch snow overnight it sparked wonder. White surrounded the world and a quiet blanket provided a peaceful calm across the big sky. But here is the thing: awe and wonder can only last so long. The peaceful revelry is fleeting. Reality is, there is stuff to do. So, I did what we all do: I forgot to listen to the signs around me, to see what I could not see, to feel with my senses. And so, I got down to business, cleaned up and proceeded, being a productive human being and my mind was not focused on the one thing that was the biggest danger to me. 

I threw on my running shoes and went outside, walked down the driveway with a can of Red Bull in my hand that someone had forgotten to discard, and I tossed it in the trash. I wasn’t being reckless. I wasn’t being clumsy. I was simply throwing something away. In the time it took for the lid to close, my heart to beat, and for my mind to catch up to the shift in my pivoting foot, I was down on the ground in a hard crack and a screech billowing from my mouth. Suddenly, the scene changed to a snow angels murder scene with a Lynn shaped body and the culprit revealed guilty, silent, unapologetic and solid in its resolve. A sheet of 3-inch ice was there all along, the kind used to train for the Ice Capades, hidden shimmering glass that cuts silently. A known serial killer that has forged through mountains, took down the Titanic – and came for me before I could even gather a thought. It left me on the ground writhing in pain, furious, and indignant. Cutting still, that the very same thing is what I used to ease my pain moments later as my wrist and elbow swelling worsened. Ice. One syllable, three little letters, procurer of millions of injuries, and healer of injuries, too. A force of nature. So yeah, that is a really inflated way to say: I slipped on the ice and broke my wrist. But here is the thing… My friends would all say (and did, my Facebook comments are proof) that this was my fault. I’m notoriously a klutz and there isn’t much I have broken. However, my spirit is fully intact. But, I’m human, and I’m fallible, and we fall on the ice taking out the trash. My mistake wasn’t the fall, although that was certainly the cost of my personal failure. 

My mistake was not being present. I was in revelry moments before – in awe and wonder of nature. Just as shifting as Montana’s winter weather, my mind was blissfully filled with distractions and not with what was right in front of me. We all do this: daily, hourly, minute by minute. We forget our primal instincts. The part of us that notices the quiet in the air, the absence of the birds, the chill in our nose from the crispness of fresh fallen snow after a wet, warm day. Too busy. Too focused. Too human to stop, slow down, and feel. Unable to feel the sensation of the ice crystals of snow that individually cushion true contact with the surface below. Or, beyond that – simply feel what is happening within ourselves. I mean, if it wasn’t this force of nature that was going to stop me on a lazy Sunday morning, it just as easily could have been my own forces freezing me from my inner voice. The clutter of the mind and the expectations we put on ourselves are just as powerful, just as cunning – and yet a silent killer we never really talk about. We, as a society, have forgotten to listen, observe, be still, and read our surroundings. As a massage therapist, I meditate, I drink the Kool-Aid (or Chinese herbs in my case), I try to do the things to be present. In some cases, I’m ‘woke’ – and in others, I fail. So, even though I was present in the morning, it didn’t mean I took it with me out the door for my day. I wasn’t grounded, so I got grounded. And this happens all the time. Do you ever wonder why you are dealing with the same problem yet again, over and over? 

So, what now? Well, for me, I went to work. I tried to avoid the truth, massaged anyway, and quite frankly – was in denial. I knew. I felt the crack. I heard the fury of my inner voice berating me for falling knowing what it was going to cost me. Within seconds of being human, falling and coming to grips between twinges of pain, I was already working out my lie. The lie to myself, to surge forward, to pretend it was fine when it wasn’t, to avoid my physical, mental and spiritual pain. I laughed to myself that, ‘I guess you don’t need to drink Red Bull for it to give you wings’ and then commented on Facebook that an angel pushed me. This is my second failure, same offense. Rather then be present yet again and hear the signs within my physical marrow, I chose self deprecation, to ignore the problem… surge forward, move ahead, no time for that… Sound familiar? 

No more. I am choosing to stop this behavior. The universe called and literally said – pay attention. So, this force of nature (that’s me) is going to stop being so human, and start being bit more primal. I do not need to limit myself by refusing to stop when I need to, listen to my inner voice, or listen to the silence that is screaming at me to be careful. Will I fall again, absolutely! But, will I have Yaktrax or choose better shoes, yes, because I broke my freaking hand and I’m a massage therapist! These hands are a commodity. In order to live in our society we have to make choices that fit within our individual world and part of those choices are to protect oneself. For me, double up on Aflac. But, the biggest choice we have is to pay attention, be present, be willing to hear… even when you don’t want to. So, without shame, without negative self talk, and without a job – I am telling you be careful, there is a silent killer out there. It’s inside of us all, keeping us from our dreams, our success, our happiness. Choice is whether you want to be safe and grounded or need a push from an angel. Some forces are within your control. You decide. 

Written by – Lynn Chase

Lynn has has been a massage therapist for almost 20 years. After her injury this spring, along with life’s calling, Lynn has decided to listen closer to her potential unfolding. She has loved and honed many skills as a therapist and will be moving into a teaching role once she has healed.

In the mean time, Lynn has graciously decide to become Enso’s office manager as we continue to grow so that we can stay organized and offer the best quality of natural healthcare at Enso!