Birth Lessons

From the first taste of nausea and my bones feeling the weight of tiredness my mantra was “moms are badass.” Since then, this statement has gotten stronger each day. 

I have been in complete awe working with moms-to-be since my first pregnancy massage certification back in 2007 shortly followed by my doula certification. I spent a good amount of my free time volunteering in labor and delivery helping new moms ease tension at any stage of labor at Bozeman Deaconess Hospital, where I began my career. I never imagined how profound each woman’s journey bringing new life into the world actually was.

For years I was torn, having one foot on either side of the fence, as to whether or not being a mom was apart of my path. I have a huge family with tons of nieces and nephews to spoil. My life has always felt like it could never be improved upon because I was exactly where I had worked hard to get to. Nothing felt like it was missing. I have admittingly been selfish in making strides in my career, trying my best to make the world & my community a better place, and enjoying the capacity of my body to go deep into nature. I never really imagined that bringing a child into the world was going to make me, or this world, better off and it always felt like something I would “eventually do”.

Then came the year of turning 36 in a pandemic. My business partner, Holcomb, and I struggled to keep Ensō afloat and everyone’s paychecks uneffected. The wanderlust I dreamt of in the next chapter (after finishing grad school & starting Ensō) came to an abrupt halt. What was next? Sitting in the unknown this past year made many of us pause, reflect, and find truths we didn’t know we were ready for. Living where I love, having a deeply connected relationship to my husband and community, and being fulfilled by my career (even though we’re only in the beginning!) it became apparent that I was ready for something bigger than me. I was ready to shift my path and bring life to another’s. I was surprised and blessed with conceiving easily as I have held hands with several women that have struggled through this part of the journey.

10 months flew. I was one of the lucky ones who loved being pregnant. This is not to go without saying, it was freaking hard work! For the first half of pregnancy my diet of only bland foods was hard to keep down. Then, carrying around an extra 25 pounds and learning to slow my pace while my demands unexpectedly increased with each trimester was humbling. 

Birth was beyond words incredible. My water broke as the Super Blood Moon eclipsed.

The compliment of “you’re so strong” was given to me several times. Looking back, “So strong” doesn’t feel as accurate as “embodied”. 

I trained for this my whole life. I had been practicing being pregnant, giving birth, and becoming a mom since my first moments of learning how to take care of myself. Every woman does. The innate wisdom stored in the depths of our unconscious allows us this miracle. 

In my career every tool I have gathered along the way – learning from massage that tension carried in the jaw and shoulders transfers to the pelvic floor; from yoga, how to expand the breath in all directions and calm & connect with the flow of conscious movement; through the way our meridians fuel us with the perfect balance of yin & yang, or in other words, deep restful abyss perfectly contrasting with the powerful energy to push out a baby; through the nervous system work of finding what resources and calms us without dissociating or needing to have a fight or flight response – ultimately a whole book’s worth of knowledge prepared me to walk through the fire with courage and love, rather than fear or hesitation. 

This is one of my very large takeaways from birth. I didn’t just need strength. To have a sense of trust, the tools to draw upon to stay present, the ability to let go into the unknown, along with a very incredible support team (the midwifes at the Birth Center, my partner Steve, my close friend & colleague Holcomb, and both of my parents) was my fuel to naturally birth a 9 pound 10 ounce baby. 

I have seen births and heard many stories that break my heart because they come from a place of fear. Sadly our conventional medicine still pivots from a place that prepares us for the worst. I’m beyond grateful for our advanced medicine when it’s needed. We are very good at saving lives. However, while looking through this same lens to create life disables us from experiencing it. We numb, medicate, and put trust into anything but ourselves. 

In my career I have always focused on bridging the gaps in medicine. To bring our full-selves into our wellbeing allows us to trust our unique inherent strengths rather than fear the unknowns. Becoming present to our needs, rather than blindly trusting a system to support us, allows us vitality. If we can avoid turning away from ourselves while in the midst of trauma we may find the ability to have authority, navigate the unknowns, and heal ourselves as we go. 

My hope is to continue to bring wholeness to our medicine and our generations to come. What if a provider (or child, or construction worker, or scientist, or waitress) asked you to take a few breaths, feel your toes, your encouraged awareness and embodied strength before anything else? Because, the innate wisdom of being present allows us all to be badass, especially when becoming a mom.